Twisted Logic
by BeebeeThurlow
Summary: Mwahaha! All who was dead is alive, all who was alive is... er... still alive, and Harry is preparing for his Seventh year of Hogwarts. Yes, I know this type of fanfic has been done to death, but I don't care. nwn Rated M for later chapters. Perhaps. 8D
1. Chapter 1

Scuttle.

Scuttle scuttle.

Scuttle scuttle scuttle.

Scuttle scuttle scuttle scutt- SPLAT.

"Ow…"

"BOY!"

Harry groaned and sat up. His attempt to get some quiche had been going so well, he'd been resisting the urge to press his hands together in the shape of a gun while pressing against doors, walls, the table, etc.

Damn the stupid cat.

Wait, cat?

The Dursley's didn't have any cats! What, then, did he just trip over-?

Oh, yeah. Alright, then, it wasn't a cat. He coughed in embarrassment at having tripped over the footrest.

_Honestly,_ he thought, _it's big enough for me to have noticed!_

Sighing, he got to his feet, and turned slowly to face his angry uncle.

"What are you doing, boy?!" Uncle Vernon snarled, his face an interesting shade of purple, his chubby little hands clenched into fists at his sides. Without waiting for a reply, not that Harry was planning on giving one, he grabbed Harry's forearm and began to drag him out of the kitchen, interrupted by a scream from Petunia as someone knocked on the front door.

"Who the devil is calling at this hour?" Vernon barked, releasing Harry's arm and waddling towards the front door while the scrawny teenager darted up the stairs and hid in his room, peering out of the door to try and hear the conversation with whoever it was at the door. Glancing sideways, he saw Dudley's stomach protruding from his own door, and knew that Dudley, bless'im, was trying to hide but listen, too. Suppressing a chuckle, Harry then turned his attention back to the mystery visitor, his eyes trained on the stairs to ensure that he was able to have enough notice if anyone were coming up. He needed to be able to hide if they did. Eavesdropping wasn't something the Dursley's approved of.

Hah. Bunch of hypocrites, all three of them.

"Ah! A pleasure to see you again, Mr Dursley, a real pleasure! Is Harry in?"

Harry groaned inwardly. True, he was extremely pleased that Mr Weasley was here, but he knew that his uncle certainly wouldn't be, and it was his uncle, not Mr Weasley, that he would have to be dealing with for the next month or so before he could return for his final year at Hogwarts. There was silence from downstairs, and Harry could imagine the expression on Uncle Vernon's face from seeing the adult wizard again, and so, deciding to rescue Mr Weasley from the yelling that was almost certainly about to start, he scuttled back down the stairs – casting a furious glare at the footrest as he did so – and grinned at the redhead, who jumped a little at seeing him and exclaimed joyfully.

"Harry! Hello there! Now, Harry, I know this is rather sudden, and I'm not going to beat about the tree."

"Bush, Mr Weasley, the expression is 'beat about the bush'…"

"Yes, Harry, alright. The point is, Molly and I would like to invite you to spend the remainder of the holidays at The Burrow. I know we'd all love you to come!"

He grinned cheerfully at Harry, and Harry couldn't help but let a wide smile slip onto his own face, nodding rapidly.

"Yes, Mr Weasley, I'd love to come, if you're sure it's okay…" He glanced nervously at Uncle Vernon, but the man seemed to be returning to his usual colour, clearly pleased that Harry would be leaving again. He muttered something that sounded like 'good riddance,' but spoke too quietly for Harry to be sure, and Mr Weasley certainly didn't hear.

"Excellent, then, Harry! Excellent! Should I give you, say… half an hour to get your stuff together?" He beamed.

"I'll be ready in just a few minutes, Mr Weasley. Thank you so much," said Harry, still grinning as he then turned and hurtled back up the stairs, laughing at Dudley's shocked expression.

When he returned downstairs five minutes later, dragging with him his trunk, broomstick, and Hedwig's cage, the tension in the air was so thick that he was momentarily fooled into believing that Dementors were nearby, and their mist was seeping in through the windows… but invisible. Somehow. "Erm… I'm ready to go now, Mr Weasley…"

"Excellent! Well, then, Mr Dursley, I'll give you and Harry a few seconds alone to say your goodbyes, and then we'll be off!" Mr Weasley chirruped, either exceedingly high, or something very, very good had happened.

"Not necessary." Vernon grunted, shoving Harry and Mr Weasley out of the door and slamming it shut, locking it quickly afterwards.

Arthur blinked.

"What's got his wand in a knot?" He asked, looking down at Harry and withdrawing his own wand – which wasn't in a knot – to Apparate them both to The Burrow.

"Don't mind him, Mr Weasley. He's always like that." Harry grinned, in an exceptionally good mood now that he knew he was free from the Dursleys. "Do Ron and Ginny know that I'm coming…?" He asked, tilting his head a little to the side and gripping Mr Weasley's arm, bracing himself for the horrid sensation of Disapparating. It was over very quickly, though, and feeling as though he were about to vomit, Harry began to move slowly down the path to the burrow, supported by Mr Weasley and dragging his things.

"We didn't tell them, no, didn't want to get their hopes up in case you weren't coming. Oh, and Hermione's here, too!" Mr Weasley stated cheerfully, more or less oblivious to Harry's discomfort. Seeing as it was the middle of the night – or rather, very early in the morning, Harry was surprised to see lights on in the windows of the building that they were approaching. That said, these were rather dangerous times, and Molly was probably anxious for her husband to return.

Sure enough, as they approached, the back door was flung open and, scattering the few gnomes that were in the yard, Mrs Weasley came sprinting out, her hair in curlers and her body covered by a large bathrobe. She pulled Mr Weasley close in an embrace before releasing him and turning to Harry, immediately hugging him, too, then beginning to drag him towards the house.

"Come on, come on, inside, it's too cold out here to hesitate, oh, Harry, you're so thin!"

Harry smiled a little, nodding momentarily. "It's nice to see you again, Mrs Weasley."

"Harry, dear, you must know, I'm afraid you're going to have to be sharing a room with Ron, Hermione, and Ginny, dear, there's rather a lot more people here than usual." She stated, seating him in a chair in the kitchen and beginning to bustle round the room, flicking her wand at seemingly random object, while said objects then began to float round the room, making soup of their own accord.

Harry, who had been perfectly at ease, blinked at the last name, blushing slightly. "E-Er, okay, that's fine, Mrs Weasley." He smiled, looking down at his hands. Sharing a room with Ginny? Surely that was just tempting fate. He always felt guilty whenever he looked at her, for he didn't just see a teenage girl, he saw a young woman, with beautiful eyes, soft, silky red hair, an amazing figure, large, round breas-

"HARRY!"

His daydreaming was cut short as two lumps collided with him, Ron on one side, Hermione on the other. He could hear laughing from the bottom of the stairs, but couldn't see who it was, his glasses had been knocked off and he had been dazed when his two friends, now clinging to him as though their lives depended on it, had glomped him.

"H-Hey, Hermione, hey Ron." He managed to speak, at last, though not very well, Hermione's hug was like a bear trap, and he couldn't breathe terribly well. "H-Hermione… can't… breathe…" He continued, gasping heavily. Hermione blinked, then released him, smiling apologetically.

"Sorry, Harry. It's just been so long! How are you? How was it? Were they treating you alright?" She asked, each question coming directly after the last, giving him no time to respond. "It's been absolutely mental here…"

* * *

Mwahahaha!

Like it? Hate it? 8D

Tell me!

Pwease?

I'm sorry, I know it's mean for me to start another story while still working on my other two, and while taking so long to reply to those.

D= But I just couldn't resist!


	2. Chapter 2

_For my daaaaaaarling, psychotic [SHE'S GOING TO HURT ME! D=] reviewer, fyren galan!_

_I LOVE YE SO! _

_I recall ye saying something about hating Ginny and wanting more Draco/Harry and Fred/Hermione, so here you are, m'deary._

_x3 ENJOY, AND I LOVE YE!_

_[And review! THAT GOES TO ALL OF YOU!]_

* * *

"Hey, Harry." A seductive, sultry voice floated in the door and Harry blinked, looking up and round and meeping as he saw Ginny staring at him with a most definitely lustful expression.

"Ehh… hi, Ginny." He replied, somewhat awkwardly, giving an odd mix of a salute and a wave and ending up hitting himself in the nose.

"Aww, poor Harry, you hit yourself!" The redheaded girl sprang forwards, seemingly to help Harry, but ending up tackling him onto the bed. Laying atop the confused, scared looking boy, she gave a low gasp of false surprise and leant forwards, her lips inches from Harry's. "Oops… silly me…"

"GET OFF MY LOVER!" A second voice came through the door, this one more of an indignant screech, and the sex-bomb himself darted in through the door, grey eyes fixed furiously upon Ginny as he hurtled forwards and backhanded her away from the even more confused boy on the bed. Harry sat up, relieved to have Ginny no longer pressing against him, but exceptionally freaked out by the presence of the tall, attractive male who slunk towards him and seated himself on Harry's lap. "My love…" Draco Malfoy crooned, nuzzling affectionately into Harry's neck and snickering as Harry meeped again.

Nonplussed but figuring it didn't matter, since the world was so damn odd anyway, Harry went and nuzzled the pureblood right back again, raising his eyebrow as Draco snickered, watching Ginny storm out of the room calling for her mother.

"Now now, Ginny! Draco is our guest, at least while his father is still alive and strutting round the neighbourhood looking sexy!" Mrs Weasley called up the stairs, and Ginny growled.

"But he stole my Harry!" She wailed, and both Harry and Draco smirked at the clearly fake crying noises that were coming from Ginny as she then sprinted up the stairs, most likely to hide away near the ghoul until someone paid her some attention.

Well, nobody would. Stupid girl that she was, believing that she could get in the way of Harry and Draco and their smexiness together.

There was a brief silence before, looking at one another in unison, the two males then rolled over, Draco on top of Harry, and began to make out.

And life was _good_.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hermione was happily stirring at a pot of cheese sauce that was bubbling cheerfully on the stove. Mrs Weasley bustled back in the room and went to her side, smiling approvingly and nodding at the saucepan. "Good work there, Hermione… it should be ready soon." She stated, before rubbing briefly at the back of her neck then clasping her hands together in front of herself.

"Now, Hermione… I've been meaning to talk to you about something."

Hermione blinked and looked up at Mrs Weasley, continuing to stir. "Yes, Mrs Weasley?" She asked, her face a picture of innocence, until she noticed Fred coming in the back door [Hehehe.] and she began to blush, keeping her eyes fixedly on Mrs Weasley's so that they didn't stray and reveal the reason behind her blush.

"It's getting rather warm in here, dear, isn't it? You're looking awfully red." Fred looked round at his mother's words and smirked at Hermione before disappearing upstairs, leaving Mrs Weasley to continue. "Anyway, it should be fine once we get outside and the stove's off. So. I've been meaning to talk to you… I've heard from an anonymous source that you no longer feel any kind of inclination towards my darling little Ronnikins." Manic laughter sounded from upstairs, and it was likely that Draco had just heard these words, though the laughter was stifled a few moments later, most likely by Harry's lips.

"Ahem, yes. However… my source also tells me that you've been crushing on my other children."

Hermione kept her face carefully blank, deciding not to mention that Molly had many other children.

"Ginny, Ron, Percy, Charlie, Bill, George, Fre- AHA!" At the mention of Fred's name, Hermione had blushed once more, and Mrs Weasley pointed her wand triumphantly in her direction, accidentally blowing a hole in the wall beside the girl. "Oops. So, you like Fred?"

Staring at the hole in the wall, then looking back at Mrs Weasley with an expression of mixed embarrassment and terror at the apparent accidental magical power the stout woman had, Hermione nodded slowly, hoping that Mrs Weasley wouldn't mind and that her stomach wouldn't end up the same way as the wall. "Yes…"

"HAH! I KNEW IT!" Fred leapt back down the stairs, stumbled at the bottom, smacked straight into the wall, then quickly sidestepped into the kitchen, pretending nothing had happened, a wide grin on his face, even though his nose was looking slightly squashed.

Hermione blinked, meeped, and began to mumble unintelligible words and sentences, abruptly shutting up as Fred bounded forwards and dipped her backwards, planting a large, sloppy kiss on her lips.

Yes… life was good.


	3. Chapter 3

_"IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT!"_

In unison, everyone in the garden – Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Percy, Charlie, Bill, Ginny, Molly Weasley, Arthur Weasley, and Draco – jumped to the left.

_"AND THEN A STEP TO THE RIIIIIIIIGHT! PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS! AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIIIIIIIIGHT! THEN IT'S THE PELVIC THRUUUUUUST! WHICH REALLY DRIVES YOU INSAAAAAANE! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAAAAAIN!"_

What had brought on this madness? Merlin knows. However, the odd grouping continued all the way through the song, before collapsing in a heap with Harry on the bottom, flailing madly. "Can't breathe, guys!" He whined, squirming round heavily at the bottom of the pile and attempting to wriggle free. One by one, the others clambered off and toddled off, collecting their possessions from their various rooms, until only Harry and Draco were left in the garden.

"Time to go back to Hogwarts." Draco pouted, crossing his arms over his chest, and Harry snickered.

"Aww, you're adorable when you're pouty." He prodded Draco's lips and squealed as the blond bit his finger, giggling softly and tackling the other male to the floor, pinning him down and tickling him.

"No! Noooooo! YOU'LL MAKE MY CLOTHES DIIIIIRTY! I'll look like a pleb!" Draco protested, whimpering as he flailed round, squealing with laughter as he was tickled and rolling round on the floor.

"You always look like a pleb, my darling Draco." Harry crooned, ducking down and kissing Draco on the nose, only to be flicked on the forehead.

"TAKE IT BACK!"

"Don't wanna."

"Then feel my WRATH!"

"Oh, so that's what you call it these days…"

"… oh, you're diiiiirty."

"You're the one that suggested it!"

"I meant my actual wrath!"

"Oh, not your little Draco 'wrath'?" Harry snickered, sticking his tongue out at the blond. "Diddy lickle Draco." He continued, lightly mocking the sexy beast he was straddling, fluffing his hair up and deliberately rubbing him into the mud.

"It's not little!" Draco growled, and thrust his hips heavily upwards as though to prove a point. Harry meeped loudly, eyes growing wide.

"True that!"

"Silly little children. Must you do this in public?" The quietly confident drawl of the most sexual predator in the planet reached their ears, and Harry practically fell off Draco, who squealed aloud at the sight of his mentor and namesake.

_"DADDY!"_ He squeed, and all of the windows to the Burrow suddenly blasted open, Mrs Weasley hanging out of the kitchen window, hoisting her blouse up to flash Luscious Mouthfu- uh, Lucius Malfoy.

"Oh, Mr Malfoy, you sexy thing, why didn't you tell me you'd be visiting? I would have washed my thongs!" She wailed, before disappearing back into the house, leaving Harry and Draco suitably disturbed.

"… eep." Lucius blinked, cringing a little, before flopping down onto the ground beside Draco and Harry, winking at the latter and smacking the former on the head with his pimp cane. "Draco, what have I told you about sex in the garden? Only if-?"

"Only if the ground has been sterilised first. I know, father, I just forgot." Draco looked down and stared at the ground, prodding the soil and pouting to himself. Harry seemed unable to speak, simply mumbling incoherently as he stared at Lucius, his tongue half out of his mouth. A hippogriff could have gnawed his special-place off and he wouldn't have noticed. To begin with. He probably would have done after a while.

"Now then, children, I'm here to help take you off to Hogwarts!" Lucius stood up once again, brushed himself down, and smacked Draco for a second time atop the head with the snake-headed cane.

"What was that for?" Draco whined, getting up and dragging Harry up with him.

"For the lulz?" He shrugged, before shooing the two away. "Begone! Begone! Go get your things!"

The two teenagers scuttled off, molesting each other along the way, leaving Lucius to pelvic thrust in circles round the garden, happily singing _'Jizz In My Pants,'_ whilst waiting for everybody to arrive in the garden with their things.

* * *

AN: HUZZAH! Um… yeah. x3 Don't ask, I have no idea. Like it? Hate it? REVIEW NOW PLZ.


End file.
